Required Reading

Meet my favorite cook.

If you missed the first three episodes of “Kitchen Confidential” on Fox, you weren’t the only one. Including me, I think the number of people who watched the show was… one. According to TiVo, the show has been cancelled – which is OK, because it wasn’t very good. The first two episodes pretty much sucked. The third one caught some steam, despite the presence of guest star John Larroquette. And when I say it caught some steam, I mean it had one really funny insider joke.

Talking about a famed master chef due to visit the restaurant, one character whispered, “I heard he killed a man for using too much paprika.” To normal people, that joke isn’t funny. But it had foodies like me laughing so hard that organic, farm fresh whole milk shot out our noses. And I hadn’t drank any milk in weeks.

The show was loosely based on the eponymous book, written by chef/recovering junky/global food tourist/all-’round great drunk Anthony Bourdain. Although he’s been famous in foodie circles for years, I’d never heard of the guy until two years ago. Watching “A Cook’s Tour” (Tony’s show, which I’d also never heard of), Melissa yelled down to me, “Come upstairs, there’s something you have to see.”

Melissa rewound the TiVo and showed me this abrasive New Yorker, up in Lapland somewhere north of St. Petersburg. Offered reindeer for his entrée, Tony said, “I don’t think New York is ready for reindeer. But I might put it on the menu around Christmas, just to scare the .”

Is it possible to not like a guy with a sense of humor like that? Maybe for you – but not for me.

So I watched “A Cook’s Tour” every time Food TV reran an episode. I read his books. I even shared one of his recipes with you. Bourdain is funny, profane, acerbic – and a damn fine cook. I’d call him “chef,” but he’d probably sic one of his illegal alien sous chefs on me with a ten-inch knife.

If you don’t know who I’m talking about, try watching an episode or two of “No Reservations” on the Travel Channel sometime. It’s the same concept as the old “Cook’s Tour” show, expanded to an hour. Set Tony loose on some foreign country and make him eat disgusting things while getting really, really drunk. If that’s not fine TV, then we need a new medium. Preferably one where real food comes right out at you so you can try it, too.

Same goes for the booze, only double. By which I mean, make mine a double. And when I say “make mine a double,” I mean, “It’s nearly Friday.” And when I say that, I mean, “It’s Halloween weekend, .”

I intend to go out and cause some serious trouble, and some even more serious damage to whatever is left of my liver. So I’ll see you on Monday – if you’re lucky and I’m not.